One of the never-ending stories and narratives around women is what it means to be a good girl. The perfect wife. The perfect mom. It usually involves many rules and regulations around our sexuality and what is suitable and acceptable, which can be deeply conflicting. Trust me; I’ve been through it all.
We’re taught that it’s important to be sexy and sensual, but it’s not for us to love and enjoy. It’s for others. And, not just that – we’re also taught that if we want too much pleasure, it’s bad or wrong. But, if we don’t enjoy it, we’re labeled as prudish and stuck up.
In every feminist theory which I honour and respect, we call this a double-binding situation.
I didn’t always connect the dots between the conditioning of turning off my pleasure or voice and the parallels of religious dialogue around women’s sexuality that created even more complexity and shame. I now see it a lot in women who were part of religious communities and are breaking free and getting connected to their bodies and hearts once again. Virginity and purity are the gold standards and coveted—heavy emphasis placed on modesty. Forget a woman’s pleasure. Is it all about having children and pleasing our men? We were told sexuality was dangerous. Yet, when we got married, suddenly, sex was great and God’s design? Not just in the religious community, but around the world, there has been so much shame about sex, and there still is!
What I’m discovering about women and clients is that it’s hard to turn that voice and dialogue off. Even women who are happily married and want to let loose in bed still battle with this shame they can’t shake. The voice that tells them, “This is bad. You’re loose. You can’t and mustn’t enjoy sex or be overly sensual.” It can be hard to turn the volume down. It showed up in my own life because I looked at sex with my partner’s needs first.
Looking back now, it’s abundantly clear to me why that was happening. I was in a strict religious community where it is customary to put others before your desires, and honoured because that’s how it has always been. It’s only really in the last five or so years that I started to recreate myself and let go of the systems that kept me in shame, and began to connect with my internal power.
So how does one rewrite the script to sensuality? We must go deep and find out where the block originates, examine the shame, think about what we want, and lastly, decide to finally own our sex life! Remember, it’s not our job to rewrite the patriarchal history that gave us this narrative around sex and sensuality, but it is our job to make room for healing and growth.
With love – Rena
